Baptismal Struggle

by Elizabeth Varian

On June 29, 1974, I was baptized in the Catholic Church and Christianity. It was a great celebration for my mother to watch her daughter's soul be cleansed accepted into the body of Christ and the Church.

Many years went by and my walk with Christ has wavered considerably. I tried many different paths and with each one I found God dropping signs of love for me. In the Quran, God told me to be patient, His Word will come true. During my venture into Buddhism, He popped up a note to me saying to quit searching for the truths and start seeking Him who will enlighten me with the truth. I struggled on and found I had control of my life with my New Age beliefs. I was a god, pieced from God exploded. During short times of rest from the control of my life, God whispered, "It is I who can give you true freedom. Freedom from worries, frustrations and tension. Give me the control and set your eyes on Me. Release your life from the ties of strife."

July 2000, God said, "Go. Go among the Christians." I went. I sat at the back of the church and felt the emptiness inside. I left that Wednesday night service with tears in my eyes. I cried almost non-stop for a couple months. God was filling that hole with love, and I was warming up to His joy.

August 2000, God said, "Go. Go closer, feel my family around you." I went. And not but a month later, He said, "Go," to me again. This time, He wanted me to head to the alter to announce that I am returning to Christ and have asked Him to return into my heart. It wasn't that He left my heart. It was that I kicked Him out and locked the door.

The end of September 2000, God said, "Go. Go be baptized." This time I said, "I don't think so. I'm not ready." He was patient. October came and went. I was still not ready. November hit, and He said it again, "Go. Go be baptized." I agreed, but then God delayed the date.

I was going through a spiritual warfare, it seemed. Everything was falling down around me, and nothing I did would make it right. I thought the devil was attacking, because I agreed to be baptized. I thought that if I could only make it to the baptism, it would cleanse me of all this. I had visions of drowning at the pulpit, visions of so-called friends beating me viciously and even visions of brutal car accidents. It couldn't be God waking me up in the middle of the night with these tears. I would cry out some nights and in the mornings too, "Father God, where are you? Why have you and my friends abandoned me? Why is there no relief in sight of this anguish I'm going through?" I thought, I would simply forgive myself of past sins that God showed me, forgive those who sinned against me, and even tried to be friends with those I felt uncomfortable being around. Surely this would make it right in God's eyes.

Through all this, my baptism date was changed. It was pushed back a week. And I gave up. I gave up trying anything I could do. I gave up and went to bed exhausted. That's when I got the "three o'clock in the morning Holy Spirit Workshop".

The Holy Spirit said, "You thought baptism was to cleanse you of your sins. You thought that you needed to clear your life of your hurt feelings, change your enemies to friends, and make your life peaceful on your own again. You thought you could calm the fears and fix everything yourself. You were wrong."

"You were wrong to think baptism was to cleanse your sins. All that you have called "Spiritual Warfare" was your cleansing. You held on to 'truths' about yourself that were wrong. God loves you, and He wanted you to do the same. You thought you should do, instead of letting God do. You just weaved a tangled web. Now you give up, and give it to God. Now you are ready for baptism."

I had a week to go and figured why sit and stress. I released and enjoyed my days. During that wait, God said, "Go. Go see this friend and visit a new friend, too." I said, "Yes and No, I'll send a card. I'll drop a line. I don't have time and the money will be lost to visit the new friend."

Two days later, God said, "Go. Go see that friend and then visit another. Worry not, I'll take care of you." I said, "Yes, I'll Go." The next day after I agreed, I received a call from the church, "Can you be baptized tomorrow night?"

Father God,
You said, "Go", and I went. I didn't know what to
expect. I didn't know what I'd find. I'm glad I went.
In Christ I praise,
Amen.

[A SIDE NOTE: In case you have doubts, God does have a sense of humor. The day I was baptized, I received another call from the church asking if I could wait until the following week; if not, it was okay. I shouted, "NO! I can't wait another day!" I looked to the heavens and laughed as I knew God and the angels were snickering with joy. I was baptized February 21, 2001]

[March/April 2001 Issue of Print Newsletter]